This time of year, I'm always full of all the thoughts and feelings about everything. The holidays do that. They bring all the emotions closer to the surface, good and bad.
New this year, though, is the subtle sadness of missing my dog Sadie during the Christmas season. If you’re a new reader, you can look through old posts for more on Sadie and her passing this summer, if that’s your thing.
Thankfully, it hasn't been the taking-me-out-at-the-knees variety of sadness...it's more just an occasional wave of "ahhhh, man, I miss that" when I come across one of her Christmas collars or when I come home from a busy day of work holiday parties and really wish she was there to greet me. But it does squeeze my heart a bit.
So this little moment last week is worth mentioning. It was a busy, kinda bonkers week. I've been pushing myself with my race training. And thinking all the thoughts about health and weight and whatnot. Plus the shopping. And the holiday work parties. Lots of extroverting, which is really fricking tiring. :) So when Friday arrived, one of our work from home days, sitting in comfy pants in my warm house, looking out at the patio, was exactly where I needed to be.
The patio is a place I haven't reclaimed since Sadie passed. I made a last minute choice that day to have her final moments be outside, and it was the right call. But I haven’t really wanted to be out there much since. It’s all still very clear in my head, those last moments, and I’m not sure I’ve 100% made peace with them yet. But I do like to sit at my kitchen table and work, watching the squirrels run back and forth on the fence and tracking the light as the sun arcs through the sky. The light has always been pretty out there.
That Monday, I’d unlocked the gate so the gutter cleaners could come in. It had been a windy few days, but the lock had stayed closed all week when I went to the office. Then suddenly, that weary Friday, as the sun was setting, a puff of wind blew the back fence blew gently open, and I caught it out of the corner of my eye in the fading light.
I’ve never been one to actively trumpet a belief in spirits. But as I looked up at the slowly opening gate, my mind gave me the loveliest golden-tinged vision of Sadie nosing her way in, trotting around the chairs, and settling down, chin on paws, in the big pile of leaves.
I just sort of stared in surprise for a few moments. By the time I thought to get up and try to capture the golden light in a photo, the sun had set and the moment had passed. But I did go outside and stand there for a few minutes, letting the belief that Sadie had just visited me sink in, and snapped a pretty little picture. Gates are, by definition, a little bit fantastical, don’t you think? All the symbolism of locks and pathways and the like.
I don’t know if this little golden gate moment was just my brain’s way of processing grief and sadness. Probably. But I’ve had more than a few of these moments over the last few months, and I’ve decided that whatever the reason, I’m glad for them. My hope for any of you who are struggling with missing someone, canine, human, or otherwise, is that you might have one of your own, because believing that such moments are real makes the prosaic, sometimes sad world we live in just a tiny bit more magical.
Jodi, you have every right to feel Sadie's loss. We lost our cat in October 2021 and we still miss him. I lost my husband Dec. 15, 1981 - 42 years ago - and I still miss him. That's the only downside of the holidays. However, somehow, something always gives us reason to perk up, even if only a little bit. Your gate blowing open unexpectedly was your "little bit" that helped you through. I hope and pray you have many more "little bits" to lift your spirits. Our former co-worker Mike Scianamea lost his beloved dog Max about a month ago. So, he and his wife recently went to a shelter just to look and found a dog who looked so much like Max, so they adopted him right then and there. Maybe this is something you could consider, sooner than later? I'm sure Sadie would approve.
Jodi - thanks for sharing. I haven’t been much in the holiday spirit and I couldn’t figure out why until I saw a commercial recently and it dawned on me that I am missing my parents during this time of year. I try to remind people to spend as much time as you can with your loved ones; life is short, so buy those shoes!! Merry Christmas and hope to see you over the holidays!!