Heads up - this post is full of me processing the passing of my dog. If that’s not an emotional roller coaster you want to ride, click away now. I won’t be offended.
Readers of this blog will not be surprised that it’s finally happening - tomorrow I’ll say goodbye to my dog Sadie, who’s been with me nearly 13 years. She fought the good fight against cancer and old age, but it’s time. And as you’d expect, I’m a bag of sadness over here. In truth, what sets me off is having to talk about it with people, so I’m a little surprised at how I felt like writing this post.
When Sadie was first diagnosed with cancer, I was pretty distraught because I thought she’d be gone within a few weeks, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I started (and quickly axed) a spectacularly maudlin blog post series I called “Sadie’s last days” which was as terrible an idea as it sounds, but hey, we do strange things when we’re sad. Turns out Sadie had more than 500 more days to go after that diagnosis, so that was a good call. And what a ride it’s been. We’ve had lots of extra good times, she got to see all kinds of people who have loved her over the years…and I’ve also spent many days wondering if this was the end. After a while, that gets exhausting to the point where I don’t even notice the exhaustion until it comes out in unexpected places…like on the trail a couple weeks ago when suddenly I was sobbing into the (thankfully empty) woods with absolutely no warning.
So now we really are living Sadie’s last days. She’s been chowing down on hot dogs and chicken and treats. We’ve gone on so many walks…if she even hints of wanting to go, we go. And yesterday she wanted up on the bed with me, which is unusual lately, and we had quality nap/snuggle time. That’s a gift I’m really, really grateful for.
I’ve heard and seen people who do these big blowout “best weekend ever” extravaganzas for their dogs’ last days, but it’s often seemed to me like those were the things the humans wanted, not the dogs. And beyond walks and treats and ear scritches, what more has Sadie ever wanted? I thought about taking her swimming, but we are nowhere near her favorites Lake Fayetteville or Jamaica Pond. Her beloved Blue Hills and the Iams Dog park are hundreds of miles away and out of reach of her sore legs.
But I do want to do something for me, since I’m the one who decided that tomorrow is her day (which is such a messed up thing to do when you think about it) and I’d like some good to counter the overwhelming sadness. So I’m gonna write down some of the memories that have swelled up as we’ve approached this time. I think I’ll enjoy looking back and reading them. I’m hoping that those of you who read this may have some memories of your own and will share them with me. Especially my parents who embraced their grandparental roles with gusto and helped me take good care of her. So let’s begin.
THE ARKANSAS ERA
The reality is that I rented my place in Arkansas because I wanted a dog. Once the house on Pine Cone Lane became mine, Sadie would soon follow. She wasn't Sadie then.
It started when my staff member and friend Lauren said “I think I found a dog you’d like.” She knew my criteria - calm, low energy, comfortable being left alone since I worked so much. She’d spotted Sadie (then Kara) at a Strut for the Mutt event. She gave me the number of “Laura,” who was fostering her. When I called Laura, I realized that she was the wife of Kyle, a good friend and colleague; it was kismet. I met Kara/Sadie and she sat crookedly (do you wonder why she always sat crookedly? You have to read to the end to get that answer) on my feet and it seemed as if that was that. Kyle and Laura loved Sadie, and would have kept her, I think, but they saw that we were a good match. They said “anytime you want to drop her off, feel free.” And I did. But more on that later.
In the first days of Kara/Sadie’s life we discovered a lot of things about her. Kara wasn’t her name, nor was Kinsey, which I tried because of her red hair. Somehow she became Sadie and it stuck. Over the next weeks we discovered that she hated to ride in the car. She loved walks…like really, really loved them….was obsessed with them. This would continue for her entire life. She was afraid of cardboard boxes and the trash can. We discovered that she’d toss toys around, thanks to Jennifer’s gift of a floppy rabbit that we still have, and she’d chase them down the hall, sliding on the fake wood floors but somehow timing it so she she didn’t crash into the wall. We eventually figured out she was just ok at fetch but she would run and run and herd all the dogs at the dog park. Watching her run was a thing of beauty. Sometimes I would walk to the far end of the dog park and wait there for her to stop sniffing and find me and run full tilt to me. At home, she did that thing that always made me laugh - rolling over on her back, hind legs spread wide, showing via her belly just how safe and happy she felt (at least I hope that’s what it meant).
I learned that I was not cut out to ride a bike with a dog on leash - that was an experiment that ended as quickly as it began. I bought her an Outward Hound dog vest to put weights on her so a 2 mile walk would be enough - she could have gone for miles. In fact she DID go for miles one time when she and Reina, one of Kyle and Laura’s dogs, escaped and went on walkabout. I will never forget watching from an airplane at 30,000 feet as what seemed like all of Fayetteville rallied to try to find those two dogs. And they did - just seconds before the lights went down at the theater in Atlanta where I was watching Bring It On: The Musical, and strangers texted that they’d found both dogs on the quad at the University of Arkansas. They stunk and were tired, but they were both ok. What a thing.
What I was able to do in Arkansas, while still owning a dog, was remarkable. I traveled all over the world and never once had to pay a dog sitter: Kyle and Laura, Jennifer and Kenton, Megan and I’m sure others…they all just took Sadie in and took the best care of her while I galivanted around. That was such an incredible gift.
In Arkansas we logged a lot of walking miles in our neighborhood, but we logged more around Lake Fayetteville and Lake Wilson. We spent many hours at the dog park with Shelly and Butters and their humans Evan and Samantha. Sadie came to volleyball with Jana and Megan and Riley at the park on hot summer nights, and to the office at Walton Arts Center, where she sat at the back door greeting people with a hop, a stretch and a wagging tail as they came up the stairs. My staff would toss a ball for her down the hall and it made people smile. I remember one box office meeting where we got Taco Bell for everyone and she sidled up to someone and quietly snarfed down a taco before anyone noticed. We had doggie play dates with Lauren and Jennifer and Barb - and Girl Dog, Billy Ray, Abby…and I know I’m missing a Yorkie on this list.
It was in Arkansas that I got her certified as a Therapy Dog. It seemed like the right thing to do since she brought such joy to everyone she met. We went through the training and she was ready to be deployed…but then we left. I have always regretted not doing more with that, but Boston wasn’t conducive to it.
THE BOSTON ERA
In Boston we managed to find the best apartment ever: a tiny little run down 3rd floor walkup that was next door to an incredible arboretum, 5 minutes from a pond, and with a backyard big enough for quality sniffing.
Boston was where I discovered how much Sadie loved snow - and boy, did she love it. In 2015 we had feet and feet of it and she was in heaven. I have pictures of her running pell-mell down a hill, with nothing but her ears visible above the snowbanks. She would bite the snow and eat it, which always made me laugh. So did her howling along with the constant sirens, since we lived right near a fire department. Poor dog, it was funny to me but probably super stressful for her. In Boston we joined the Nicole and Molly family, and enjoyed many a beach adventure as well as lots of amazing walks along the Charles River. I remember driving down to Rhode Island to see the big houses, and to Connecticut to visit with Emily and PJ and all their various kids and niece/nephews.
Again, I was blessed with a good friends in Nicole and Mindy who would watch Sadie when I traveled, and also with an incredible dog walking company that would also do house-sitting, so I could continue to explore the world. I have some funny memories of Sadie choosing to sleep on the sofa bed with guests (Tara, Shawn) when they came visiting, and will always chuckle that Jessi’s partner Felipe thought her name was Truffle. And I will treasure beyond belief the miles and miles we spent walking and hiking in the Trustees of Reservations parks surrounding Boston, where dogs were allowed to be off leash and where Sadie got to scramble up rocks and run free. She would never get too far ahead of me; she always kept me in sight and would come loping back to me when I called. It was the best feeling.
Many Boston memories are filled with visits from my brother, his wife and their daughter. Claire was so little during those days, but she loved to walk Sadie and offer her treats. She helped Sadie eat her JP Licks Cow Paw once…that became one of my favorite photos. We had some serious stairs to climb to get to our backyard, but I loved how her butt would sashay down the stairs and how she’d stop at each window to look out.
Boston was when we started doing loooong road trips down to Virginia for holidays, but I didn’t mind because it meant we could actually have her with us for Christmas, which had never been possible while living in Arkansas. She hated the car, but loved the hotel hallways in NJ, our halfway point, running up and down them and sniffing all the strange smells. And, on those first visits, she got a taste of the big beaches which would become such a part of our lives in later years. I remember a family reunion on 81st street where I came into the living room and saw her snuggled between by brother and his wife…aww.
THE VIRGINIA YEARS
The move to VAB was all about change for us. Big change. A new job, working from home. Being near family. Being walking distance from the beach, but hundreds of miles from mountains. Oh, and toss a global pandemic into the mix and wow…what a time.
In VAB Sadie quickly adapted to being a beach dog. She would trot at the top of the sand, just before it got steep down into the water. Initially, she would eat the seaweed and flotsam on the shoreline, which wasn’t much fun, but as she aged, that faded away. Watching her run on the sand was so cool. She wasn’t wild about the water, but would occasionally wade and splash on the Bay side. One spring, Shawn and I took her with us on a hike that became 9 miles long and I’m pretty sure we almost killed her - about 1/2 mile from our car she just stopped and coughed and glared at me.
She got to know her cousins a bit more during these years, both of the human and feline variety. Tobey, the orange cat, tolerated her, while Merlin, the black cat, wanted nothing to do with her. Her human cousins wanted to play, but by this time Sadie was officially an old lady, and wasn’t much for romping or roughhousing. Still, she helped the kiddos learn to be calm and offer gentle pats to dogs. She first helped break in Piper, Nicole and Mary Margaret’s spirited new puppy, and then came Hazel. She had the old lady eyeroll down when it came to those puppies. She joined a few Pack Training runs, but age crept up, and she couldn’t really keep up anymore. Trust me when I say I realize how lucky I was to be “stuck at home” as she began to slow down; I’m not sure what I would have done if I had to leave her alone as she aged. And having her as my officemate while I was laid off, went through a job search, and landed another new job was totally wonderful.
In September/October 2021 we got the cancer diagnosis and things changed. But again, how lucky we were to be where we were, with family and dear friends nearby who helped take care of her, and who continued to watch her while I traveled. What a thing that a vet happened to talk to me about changing Sadie’s food and giving her all the enrichment I could to increase her “longevity". We scavenged nearly two more years of time together. Amazing.
In the midst of all that, we’ve moved north to Arlington, where I’m glad to say that Sadie seems to have enjoyed her new home, especially all the smells of the neighborhood and the coolness of the basement downstairs. In these last days, getting down those stairs has proven tougher, which is one of the reasons I know that the decision to let her go is the right one. Life wasn’t without fun up here; she made new friends in Adella and Jared’s 3 pups and a few kind pet-sitters who kept her company while I was away. She walked in Rock Creek Park and along the Potomac. She made a bunch of trips down to the beach to visit our friends, and two road trips with me to NC…one where we got to stay in my brother’s beautiful Inn (she loved the rug by the fire in the lobby)…and another just recently when my niece, her cousin, who had always loved to walk Sadie, walked her around the neighborhood with all the care and awareness of a grown up - I was so proud of her.
It was here in NoVa that we learned she had BUCKSHOT in her hind leg - a remnant of her early days in Arkansas, before she found her way to me. This is probably why she always sat crookedly. I’d always wondered what had happened to her as a puppy. She came to me as the calmest, goodest girl, albeit with her share of anxiety…and no wonder, if someone was shooting at her. What happened? I guess we’ll never know.
It’s going to be strange to not have a dog in my house; I can’t process that she won’t be here tomorrow night. That’s really about all I can say about it at this point, other than that I’m so glad to have had all these memories with my best girl, made more special by all the people who knew and loved her. I really do hope that you’ll comment or share Sadie memories so I can add to this narrative.
Dogs, am I right? They worm their way into our hearts and leave them both bigger and a little broken. But we wouldn’t have it any other way.